#3

"People think it's nothing, it's our fault. I've heard many times that if I wanted to, I'd leave. That I'm a thinking person, so what am I doing with him? That you can always go somewhere. And when I heard that, I was so blocked... I had no strength to defend myself. I didn't even know what to say!?

 

That it's not like that? That I can't? It actually does sound like I'm not thinking.

It's like I'm overpowered by something.

And I was paralyzed.

 

I didn't want anything.

 

After eight years, I got depressed, had anxiety neurosis, tics. Stomach ulcers. I cried every now and then. At home, outside the house. Although I tried very hard not to. When it was 4 p.m. and I knew he'd be home in about an hour, I was checking nervously if I cleaned up well, if I arranged the plates evenly, if the bathroom was clean. My whole body was ready. I had convulsions.

 

I was counting down, nervously looking at my watch.

 

It was a horror movie, now I see it.

 

You know, he would come back with flowers, we used to go to the cinema a lot, but he could get out of it more than once, because something pissed him off, e.g. that made noise with the popcorn.

 

At night I was sufficating.

 

I didn't sleep. I was analyzing what happened during the day, what I could do more.

 

I was pulling my hair out so I could suffer less mentally. I didn't have the strength to get up, but I got up to do everything for him before he came back from work. The turning point was my heart attack.

 

It was the biggest kick. Paradoxically, if it wasn't for the heart attack, I wouldn't have walked away from Paul.

 

I'm still in a psychiatric treatment.

 

It's so good you guys talk about it. There are thousands of women like me and nobody helps us. Pathology.

 

I beg you to get people to react.

 

I felt and I was completely alone."