#2

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a seminary graduate, a disability rights advocate, a world traveller, a bookworm, a deeply spiritual person, a useless trivia fanatic, and someone who has struggled with addiction since the age of 17. I still remember my first drink. I was 17 and sitting with my then boyfriend at his family farm. He was 19 (the legal drinking age in Canada) and was sipping on a beer. I wanted some. He gave me one. I remember feeling like a rebel from that instant. I somehow felt older and wiser. Now I was really cool. It is often said that addiction is a progressive illness, and it definitely was in my case. At first, my drinking did not cause any major problems. I drank a bit during my studies, but so did everyone else. I had a few drunken stumbles and put myself in a few awkward spots, but that’s what everyone does in their 20s isn’t it? My drinking was confined mostly to weekends so it never interfered with any of my classes or assignments. I was still on the Dean’s honour list, I was working full time, and I was also enjoying lots of extracurriculars. I honestly didn’t see the harm in any of it.

However, by the end of 21, things were getting less romanticized. I could no longer blame things simply on immaturity. When I started caring less about my work, caring more about parties than I did about papers, and letting my physical appearance slide, that’s when the professors started noticing and actually worried about me. I remember when I was 21 sitting in my flat alone with my minister who was so worried that I might take my own life due to where addiction took me that she told me to call her at anytime even if it was late at night or early in the morning.

When I was 22, I took it even further. Drinking on the job, showing up for work hungover, and hiding bottles around my flat. It was evident that I needed intervention and after several meetings, my work informed me that if I was not going to get help I would have to leave my job.

I did what is known in the recovery world as “a series of geographicals.” This means when you move to a different city or country in order to start your life again. When I moved I honestly thought that I would be able to curb the addiction. I knew what I was doing wasn’t normal and was out of proportion. I kept making earnest promises to myself that I would stop, but because I tried to stop on my own will-power alone it didn’t work. I tried various ways to sober up including religion, making new friends, pouring myself into different projects, and even seeking psychiatric evaluation. However, as I refused to cooperate and be honest with any doctors or therapists this did not get me very far.

At age 26 after several major moves including to a different country, I finally hit rock bottom. By that point I had done things that I said I never would have done and that I once looked down on other people for having done. I was physically very ill, I had fallen out with quite a few friends, I was living in a constant state of fear and self-pity, and I had lost any sense of who I was. Addiction consumed my entire life.

I got sober using a lot of different means and I am so thankful for everyone who reached out to me in this time. I made lots of friends in various recovery programs, and I also underwent counselling. I did not get sober right away as I had a few relapses early on which is a very normal part in the recovery process. However, thankfully right now I have been sober for over two and a half years.

The last two and a half years have been so transformative. When I first came into recovery I wrote in my journal “I hate who I am when I’m drunk and I hate who I am when I’m sober.” But six months after I sobered up I wrote “I like who I am when I’m sober and others do as well.” My sobriety has made me a better worker, sister, daughter, and friend. I now have improved relationships with my family and I have asked forgiveness of those I hurt through my drinking. But most importantly, my sobriety has allowed me the opportunity to help so many others. I never preach to them about what they should or shouldn’t do, I simply offer my own life experience and story. When people connect with this, it is amazing to watch them also go through the recovery process for themselves.

I am not here to advocate for any specific program or route. Everyone takes a different path, and people find what works for them. However, my gut belief is that many people struggle with an addiction of some sort. If you find that you are constantly thinking about something to the point of obsessing over it, that it is consuming your every waking moment and thought, that it is severely impacting your personal relationships or job efficiency, that you become jittery when you can’t get it, or that you are embarrassed about your need for something because somehow deep down inside you think it is unusual, it may be an addiction. Addiction doesn’t just mean people who are on the streets with bottles and pills, there are lots of people in recovery who come from all sorts of different walks of life including the most professional business people. If you are worried about your own addictive compulsions and habits or those of a loved one, please reach out. There are many people who are ready and would love to help. Recovery saved my life. I was 26 and about to die, today I am 29 and living a mostly happy life, have regained all of my health and am travelling the world in a profession I love with people I love. Recovery is the reason I am still here today, and I will always be grateful for it and never forget where I came from and the reason I am the person I am today.